Date: 2011-05-26 18:50 Subject: The longest days Security: Public Mood: drained Music: Lady Gaga

The longest days are often the ones where you realize you did something right. While my head is pounding and I kicked two children out of my room today, I believe that I gained back the trust and respect of four of them. I got a letter back from someone really important to me, as well. That alone made the day worthwhile. As much as it pains me to admit it, working in a school can be very rewarding for both adult and child.

My car smells bad.

Water has gotten in, somehow. I used Febreeze so now instead of smelling like mildew it smells like moldy syrup. It is not pleasant. I'm not sure what to do next.

Tomorrow is the next installment of the Gaga hunt. It is also Market Day. I look forward to the frozen pb&j sandwiches. I do not, however, look forward to being at work until 5. We did about $300 more this month than we did May of last year. I will definitely be in the running for that iPad 2 they are giving away.

I want to be smarter than those I work with. This revelation happened while in the office today after school. I was ticked at various adults today. My room was a mad house. There was one particular child who was causing most of the unrest. After he continually back-talked, refused to do his work, and was completely inappropriate, I had enough. He was bargained with and ended up with me and so I wanted to let those doing the bargaining know how wretched he was being. Instead the woman came to my room and acted as if it was my fault he was being obstinate. Nope, sorry, he is just a jerk. Anyway, she eventually had to deal with him. He has no respect for me and it was to the point he need consequences. Were there any? No. He got to go sit with the nice lady and not do his work. Earlier in the day I had to watch a class while the teacher went to a meeting. Well, a kid decided to be an ass, throw a chair across the room, be rude and call me terrible names, then proceed to sit in the hall and pound on the wall. When the teacher got to come back he came in the classroom with her. Were there any consequences? Nope. He gets to be a shit and nothing happens. Will he then treat other adults like this since there were no consequences this time? Of course. I hate some of the adults I work with. They wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior happening around them but I have to deal with it. Thanks for the support. I want her head on a pike. The principal's deserves to be on a pike next to hers for the lack of support she offers most of her staff and the way she shares their personal information with others.

Bitter much? Yes, and proud of it.

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Date: 2011-05-22 21:53 Subject: How can you categorize random thoughts? Security: Public Mood: calm Music: Burlap to Cashmere

I had my Vietnamese dream again. In it I live with a man and we have an awesome house. There is a war going on and we see people fleeing the nearby city. Army people are after them we come to find out. Well, our house has the inside part with nice wood floors and sliding walls. But then we have a deck like thing on the side of it. It is just like part of the house except it is all screened in instead of a more solid wall. It has sliding doors on each end and it is on the long side of the house so it is huge. We get everyone into there and have them sit down and try to hide. Unfortunately the army gets to us and barges into the house. They find us harboring so many town folk and they start shooting with their big assault rifles. I eventually get shot at and I wake up.

This is an abridged version of the dream. But, it is creepy. I never believed in past lives but this dream has been coming to me since junior year of college. I still have some other recurring dreams but they all have to do with this life and make at least a bit of sense. Where the heck did this dream come from? I have found nothing that may trigger this dream. Since the rapture didn't happen yesterday, maybe past lives are a possibility...

I need to email one of my past teachers. One of my Ed. Psych classes had us thinking about effective teachers we had. We had to give the subject, grade, and what they did that stood out. It is amazing how much I took this teacher for granted. She helped me through so much and never made fun of me for my questions-I was the smart kid and yet she saw me at my worst. I always wanted a challenge and if I messed up I wanted someone to tell me where I did so and what exactly was wrong. Those are tough shoes for any teacher to fill and the petite lady did.

It is amazing how much happier and nicer of a person you can force yourself to be. Plastering on a smile really does help make situations seem better. Doing something nice for others feels even better than doing something for yourself, in moderation-don't get taken advantage of or do nice things for the same people too often or they will get used to it, bastards. When things start going south at home, leave and do something else and get your mind off the shit that just happened. Sit and cry for a bit if necessary but put a time limit on it. Let things go. Holding a grudge just wastes energy. The person it is against won't know you hate them, anyway. Be mean when a person is continually rude to you. Obviously you have LET them treat you like crap or they would have stopped by now. Be mean-really rude, verbally tear them to shreds, make them feel incredibly insignificant- and then the next time you see them act like you usually do, overly kind. They won't know what you are playing at as long as you don't seem like anything affected you or like you have something to be guilty for. Most people do this naturally and then apologize. I just don't like that, "I'm sorry" part. Don't be sorry, that wastes energy, too.

My mom went nuts again yesterday. She's getting more weird than she used to be. Now,though, I feel no need to be nice to her. If she wants to die, go for it. I'm not stopping you. But, if you aren't going to do it then quit bellyaching about it. It gets old real quick.

I got a MacBook Pro a few months ago. My white MacBook was out of space, wouldn't connect to the internet most of the time, the trackpad stopped working, it was falling apart, etc. I was hard on that thing, though. It lasted 5 years and most of that was in a backpack being dragged to classes and work. Anyway, I don't think my SD card reader works. I put the card from my camera in and nothing picked it up. Just tested it out with an SD HC card that I used on my little netbook as a hard drive and it showed up as if it were a jump drive. That is annoying. Aside from that, I love this computer. It doesn't have all the little quirks the white one did after so many years. I was actually able to run the statistical software that I needed and SPSS is demanding.

I am gardening. I am terrible at it and some of the stuff won't grow, but I'm trying. The onions are producing the green things that we eat. I just got some tomato plants in the ground. We bought way too many of them though. I have three raised beds out behind the garage. Two are the same size, 4x5, and one is 4x2.5. The farthest is a large one and has the onions and iceberg lettuce from the strips. The middle one is also large and has leaf lettuce and radishes. The closest one is the small one and has all tomatoes-Big Boy, Better Boy, Early Girl, and one Beefsteak. The other seven beefsteak plants are out of the beds along the fence. The cantaloupe is also along the fence. I was even less sure what to do with that. I still have broccoli, cauliflower, banana pepper, zucchini, and some more tomatoes to plant and I have no idea what to do with them. The beds are full. Oops.

Is it bad to dread work when there are only 15 work days until I no longer have a job?

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Date: 2011-05-19 23:22 Subject: Absence makes the heart grow fonder Security: Public Music: Avett Brothers

I don't often post on the internet; my thoughts are more likely to get me in trouble if they are shared with others. I learned that the hard way years ago. Looking back on a different blog where I spilled my every thought and updated my friends on the gossip they missed, I want to smack my old self. Cut the drama. Others are not as bad or stupid as I made them out to be. Well, maybe as stupid as I always thought. Working with kids has made me realize that the stuff I would focus on was usually unimportant and the adults around me really didn't care as much as I though they would. Or, maybe it is just me, now, that doesn't give a damn about the kiddy drama.

Friend drama is unimportant. I am more than happy to help them through situations but I have learned how to remove myself enough from what is going on to remain impartial and unaffected. There is very little drama here. I have problems and I see problems with the country but working and being super busy cuts down on the chance to dwell on these.

This past year I have gotten wrapped up in a few things. Work took over most of my life--it is extremely stressful and I cannot let that show while I am there. School ate up lots of time but it was fun doing internet classes and statistics is more interesting than I could have ever guessed. My years are defined by the school year. For many years it was my schooling that dictated years and that still holds true since I work at a school. So, at the beginning of this year (August '10), I got hooked on Adam Lambert. Some of my amazing friends got tickets to the concert in Indy and let me go. We were in the second row. To top it off, our concert is the one that is out on dvd. Then, later that week, my sister and I went to the concert in Peoria. Following the rest of the tour on twitter and through Glam Fans Unite was almost an obsession but it was fun! Then there was nothing going on for a while. Just work, classes, holidays, and getting through the awful winter. Within the past few weeks I have gotten into Glee. Through this, I have come to enjoy Lady Gaga. Maybe I shouldn't admit that I like Chris Colfer's versions better than hers, however . . . And now, I am even more hooked since Starbucks started the Gaga scavenger hunt. Too bad I don't know what to do.

Glenn Beck. I loved "The Overton Window" and plan to read it again soon. Also love the Hunger Games Trilogy. But, being home has forced me to hear more of what is going on around the world. Our president just pulled a Judas and betrayed Israel. We have the worst possible person in a position of power over our country. He is tearing us apart. Then he is going to spin the situation like he is picking up the pieces and helping to put the country back together. The masses will follow him and believe his ideas are great. And the world will crumble because an idiot community organizer that thinks socialism is going to work. Isn't insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Hmmm. . .

Anyway, the summer is coming quickly and I know that I need an outlet. Things may get a bit crazy and writing should help.

I fear I am beginning to like folk and/or country music. I am in love with Mumford and Sons and Avett Brothers. Adele, too. Considering Adam Lambert, Lady Gaga, Disturbed, Seether, Chevelle, Flyleaf, and Godsmack are far more abundant and easier to admit to, I am finding it difficult to come to terms with my new favorites. My Chemical Romance, too. I do not want to get into the Emo genre. Country is bad enough. I feel I am betraying metal.

At least my website has a quote from the Simpsons on the home page. If only it was Beavis and Butthead, but the Simpsons will have to do.

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Date: 2010-02-28 21:13 Subject: Catty Security: Public Mood: peaceful Music: Adam Lambert

Why is it that I despise working with other adults? I have always hated children. Now, somehow, I love to work with them but the drama and backstabbing among the adults is driving me nuts!

I absolutely adore the teacher I work for, the librarian, the secretary, a few women in the cafeteria, a couple women custodians, and a few other people. Aside from them, I am starting to dislike my job. I was very outgoing and would talk to the other adults but I have come to realize that they are talking trash about me, treating me as if I am of either a lower standing or lower mental ability than the rest of them. Excuse me?!! Everyone that hears where I am working is shocked because I am such a smart girl and they were giving these positions away to any nincompoop that applied.

I am done being nice, though. I refuse to take blame for the mistakes of others. Even if it looks like it was me, I will fight tooth and nail if it is pinned on me and I didn't do it. If I screwed up, trust me, I'll own up to my mistakes. No more will I take the catty shit from the other women that are on the same level as me. I will take it from the teachers simply because I have to, but not my equals. I need to get out of there. I love what I do but not the distrust of my abilities from the other staff.

I will do just about anything for the people I like. They are beginning to realize this. We get along great. Get on my good side and I overlook a lot of your short falls. Get on my bad side and I will distrust anything you say, not offer you help, and watch for your insecurities for future reference.

What to do with my life?

I need to find a lab full of brainiacs too absorbed in their work to speak about other people.

I escaped the drama that was last year in college only to be thrust into the drama that is this school...Ugh. FML

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Date: 2010-01-09 10:39 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Mood: bouncy

Court was completely useless. Apparently I could have called his lawyer and we could have done all we did Thursday over the phone and through the mail. As it is, we just continued everything because the lawyer didn't have all the information with him. Chump.

School... I absolutely love my job but I need to get back to school. I need to be doing something academic. I don't want to be a classroom teacher so I am pretty sure that a transition to teaching program is not in my future. I might be able to do one year of online work, if I got into a program for the fall. But, I am not sure if my job will be there next year. The school system was shortchanged about $8 million and they are laying off lots of people. They are considering shutting down some schools and the one I work at is on the chopping block. My position, however, is grant funded. I could potentially get it back next year. I also haven't applied to any schools for the fall yet. I need to get onto that but I need a second letter of recommendation. I plan to ask the teacher I work for. Hopefully she will do it. She is amazing both with the kids and as a person.

Christmas break was actually okay. We got the gift we were hoping for. The three sisters all got the same thing. For the oldest one, I am very surprised she wanted it. She doesn't seem like the kind to read. When other sister posted on my facebook wall about oldest wanting the thing, I even commented about her knowing how to read.

I want to go play in the snow. Bella is laying outside my door waiting for me.

When my life gets more interesting I will write more.

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Date: 2009-12-30 12:04 Subject: Ankle Security: Public

On December 9th I had some more hardware removed from my ankle. I went for the check-up today and all is supposedly well. Why does it hurt so bad and click when I walk if it is as good as he says?

I have no life to comment on. I work with elementary school students. 10 hours a day I am with kids. I would prefer to forget how they pick their noses and have petty, she called me a mean name, drama.

Graduate work is still up in the air. Not a clue what I am doing.

Meeting an old friend sometime soon.

Will be in Muncie on the 7th for my court date. I am terrified about that.

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Date: 2009-12-29 22:59 Subject: Awful Movie Security: Public

If anyone wants a throughly depressing and feel bad for being a human movie, watch District 9. Eew.

I don't really want to see anyone chew off their fingernails or spit out teeth after eating cat food. I will post again soon. The movie is almost over and I will be away from the parents' watchful eyes.

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Date: 2009-10-18 21:06 Subject: Mondays Suck Security: Public Mood: crazy Music: Do the Hippogriff

I am dreading work.

I am happy, though. I enjoy my jobs; going back after a break is still no fun. Break...only two days but after a day like Friday, it's worth it. What the heck was with them. No full moon. Not Friday the 13th. Not Halloween. They had funnel cakes for breakfast Thursday and they were little angels that day. What the heck? Did they put crack on the breakfast pizza? Yes, it was picture day but that should have had them on their best behavior so they wouldn't ruin their fancy clothes. Nope! The little pervert was absent, though. That was great. Finally a day where no private part of my anatomy was touched. Little fuckface.

I am super excited about this coming weekend. I get to go see my doctor. I don't know why that is so exciting. I wish I got to see her more often and that this wasn't to be a wrap up time. But, most of all I am excited to see my friends. I fail at getting on aim. Not going for walks with them or eating meals with them is killing me. I am at a completely different place in life than any of the other people I work with. With my friends, however, it is easier to relate. Even though I am out there and have a real job...we still have the same plans and mindsets.

At school I may be allowed to get the H1N1 shot because I am in the 6 months to 24 category. They are giving all the students the shot if they want it and I am going to be grouped in with them. Wahoo! Most of the staff doesn't qualify because you must have a chronic condition or have a baby at home. How pathetic that I am so happy about that.

Thinking is difficult right now. Writing all that up there only took a couple of minutes. And, I'm not going to go up and proofread so if it doesn't make sense, oops.

They took my picture at picture day. Fuckfaces. There was blood all over the floor. A third grader split his lip open and bled all over the gym floor when they were stuck in at lunch recess on Thursday. The gym is carpeted, btw. And blood doesn't wash out of tan carpeting very well. ha!

One of my students wants to be a fashion designer. He is the brightest kid in the class.

One little shit that is in the class and then in my group after school may be moving to Indy!!!! That would be amazing. She is really smart but she will throw a tantrum over just about anything. Whenever she doesn't get her way she gets very upset. I had to introduce the word 'lashing' for a Kidz Lit book on Friday and I was having them guess what the words meant. They weren't getting this one so I said, "If you guys keep acting up I will call each and every one of your parents and you will get a lashing." Of course, they all yelled "Whooping" and they were right. Ha! They were pretty good from then on. It was not an empty threat. That smart girl...well, I was sick of her tantrums so I called her mom. She got her "butt whooped" or at least so she told me the next morning in class. For that whole day she tried to avoid sitting down so I believe her. The mom was pretty honked off about the attitude I was having to deal with. HAHAHAHA!

Is it bad that I take some kind of sadistic glee from knowing these kids are getting walloped or watching them cry just because they are sent to the back of the line after they threaten me that they will cry if I send them to the back. Stupid. That was just asking for it. But again, he wants to be a fashion designer and he is only 7.

I so love being out of the petty drama that surrounds a school. It is so much easier to deal with the drama presented by 7 and 8 year olds. But my god the hormones! If she doesn't start her period this year I will be amazed. But I would rather have that than a best friend's bitchy roommate who happens to be tied into our social circle. Or the drama surrounding the gay boy a few years younger than me that I have known forever that wants to marry his academite boyfriend. Don't get me started on Flutter Flute (the boy). bah.

Move your body like a hairy troll!

Boogie down like a unicorn!

I need to go do something. Wish the ankle wasn't trying to piss me off so much. I would go running. Or at least for a walk. Damn ankle has been so bad that I have had to wear the boot and it still hurts so bat I am often in tears. I think something is wrong. It also swells even while in the boot. It hasn't done that since right after the second surgery. Hmm. Don't know if I can go to the doctor though. Not a full time student anymore so the coverage on me may be gone. Need to check.

Going before I keep writing again.

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Date: 2009-10-17 23:19 Subject: Friday Security: Public Location: home Mood: hyper Music: Just Keep Swimming

I get to go to see friends at school on Friday! I also get to go see my doctor one last time. I cannot wait. I took a day off from work and hope to have a blast. But, I need to wait around here to make sure that I can get my checks before I leave. It would be much nicer to not have to worry about having money to pay for gas while I am down there.

I'm going to go make friends.

I cannot multitask. It just doesn't work. I get confused and then completely forget about my computer even though all the things I am doing are on my computer. I need to lay off the mega glasses of tea late at night...

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Date: 2009-10-17 21:11 Subject: Children Security: Public

Oh my goodness, children! I work with them now. I have always hated them and yet I work with them ten hours a day. And, I am having the time of my life! I am an Instructional Assistant at an elementary school and a Program Lead for the Boys & Girls Club working with the same grade I have during the school day.

The days don't seem as long as they are and I don't work nearly as hard for the money as I did this summer. Oh, I make $3.50 more an hour for the first seven hours and $2.50 more an hour for the other three than I did this summer. Fucking dollar store. Anyway, the IA job is incredibly easy. And fun. I get to work with just a couple kids at a time on their reading or math skills. I also help with morning work, make copies, take them out for bathroom break, and take the low readers out into the hall during silent reading and read to them. Thankfully I do get to escape fairly often and try to hide in the office. The teacher I work for is hilarious but she worries me a bit. One of the other IA's gets to run lessons but I'm pretty sure the other one doesn't. And, I am more than happy not to infringe on her territory more than I already have. The B&GC job is a bit annoying and stressful. I despise the woman directly in charge of the staff. She must always mention how many degrees she has and how well she knows her field. She doesn't listen to us and instead singles people out and yells at them in meetings.

I got distracted. More to come. I have this strange tea...

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Date: 2009-07-15 23:14 Subject: Mac Attack Security: Public Mood: chipper

My mac is home!  Finally, I am complete again.  Having a broken mac is like having a bit of your soul missing.  Then, even when you put a band-aid on it, it still isn't enough.  But, after they pull out your heart and make all the proper bypasses to miss the clogged arteries or broken screens, and then put it back in, the world rights itself.  You just need to watch your salt and fat intake and how your bag bumps against the desks...

Hehehe.

I am happy.

We'll see how long this lasts and when th... stopping while I am ahead.

Hehehe

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Date: 2009-07-12 22:13 Subject: They Just Pulled a Shawshank Security: Public Location: That place I am luck to stay in Mood: irritated

Seriously?!

The fireworks were tonight... Yah, I really want to be there.  Where else would you go if you just escaped from prison and needed to blend until you could escape?  Or they could head to the boat--except they smell like shit.  Oh wait, they would fit right in ...

If you follow the news in the Midwest, I am completely giving away where I live.  Three prisoners escaped this morning between 6 and 10 am.  They pulled a Shawshank.  By this I mean they went out through the sewers.  Literally.  They went down the 10th street tunnel.  All day they have had the e-squad guarding manholes in the neighborhoods surrounding the prison and within it.  But, they called at least some of them off before 10pm.  Hmmm...shortly after it got dark.  Brilliant.  The prison is obviously on lockdown and city, county, state, and marshalls are all swarming the city, searching.  We had extra security out today at the beach because the fireworks, which draw about 40,000 people, were tonight at 9.  Gah!  It just amazes me how brilliant these offenders can be.  They chose the right day.

So, one of them was a maintenance worker.  I am betting that he was the one who would sometimes trek down below and cut the bars. 

One of these guys was caught after he killed a person, cut their head off, and then with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, took a picture with the head.  That is a wee bit more deranged than just shooting someone and moving on.

Tex (I think that, or something similar, was his nickname) was a child molester and also charged with stalking and criminal confinement.  Great.

There is no homeless shelter in this town.  Yes, this will make sense eventually.  So, lots of homeless tend to take shelter in Barker Woods.  The gates are not locked at night and there are holes in the fence.  There is even a little shack in there.  What if these guys need to hide for the night?  If they don't escape when the crowd leaves the beach or go hide at the Blue Chip, it would make sense that they may go there for the night.  I live across the street from there.  I did a study for my Botany class in there.  I walk Bella back there.  As far as I know there were no e-squad members stationed there during the day.  What is going to happen tomorrow morning when I take the dog for a walk and run into some creepy guy with a shaved head and a scorpion on his hand?  Oi.

I saw on a news website that this was an easy break-out, there should have been better security, and that there had to be inside help.  Grr.  The guards make way above minimum wage and some of them were even on good terms with these guys.  It was unexpected of them.

I think my rant is over.  I have completely lost interest.  The morning brings the need to call for HP6 movie tickets and the possibility of my mac bing somewhere aside from 'in transit' from Reno, NV.  I am also getting sucked in by some show on HGTV...

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Date: 2009-07-09 14:17 Subject: A few days later Security: Public Mood: annoyed

I love my dog but she really needs to stop barking.

How does one find love?  Where do you look for help figuring out your identity?  I don't know what to tell my friend and she is too good of a person to be alone and unsure.

Dang receptionists!  This is my fourth time calling and I still do not have new contacts.  They are a difficult thing to go without when your vision is as bad as mine.

My mac left Reno a few hours ago.  It is making its way back from California with a new keyboard and not-cracked screen.  I am incredibly excited.

There are few things to be happy over while living here, however.  My mother and I have never gotten along and it has not gotten better with age.  I honestly wish she would off herself.  She is so depressed anyway and making the rest of us miserable.  The district manager is a complete asshole.  If his hand touches my rear end ever again he is going to be in pain.  Oops, involuntary reaction.  He has gotten me to tears just because I have no recourse.  I would normally tear anyone to shreds but he is my boss and I don't want to be fired.  I will not be staying past the summer though.  Fuck that.  Everyday at work I am either getting asked for my phone number or, like yesterday, proposed to.  Wish that one would have been real...

Now I need to get ready to go be tormented by the poor and uneducated clientele and the ill-mannered pervert of a boss.

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Date: 2009-07-07 00:58 Subject: New and Exciting Security: Public Location: The room I am "lucky to be using" Mood: accomplished Music: Chevelle

This is incredibly strange.  I am not used to writing things down.  But, something in my life needs to change and maybe his will be the catalyst. 

Two weeks ago I started a new job.  I am the third key (assistant manager) at a dollar store.  I have yet to finish the incompletes I took in a few classes last semester.  And finally, I am stuck living with my parents this summer.  At the end of last summer I broke my leg and had to move home and abandon my second story apartment (where I broke the leg).  I lived in a campus dorm for my fifth year of undergrad and had to move home afterward because I had nowhere else to go.  My parents hold the title to my car and I have no savings.  I have no way to break away from them.  Pretty much I want to tell them to, "Go to hell!" and then move on with my life unhindered, yet do not have the means.

My greatest desire, however, is not to be free of my family or to finish school and get a life but rather to end it.  This has been the goal since I was 11.  Obviously I am not a goal reacher, or even really a goal setter.  I was a setter, in volleyball, but that chapter ended rather abruptly.  Anyway...I want to be dead.  I don't have the balls to kill myself so I want to go poof and magically be nothing.  There has to be some kind of arcane or divine magic to do that...maybe vaporize...reduce to sub-atomic particles...  Within the past few years I have been raped.  That does not help my mindset.  Nor does blaming myself.  Since I am already messed up in the head, I somehow morphed a coping mechanism into a huge problem.  While avoiding trauma it is okay to run away in your head but when not being threatened, it is not a good thing.  I tend to dissociate.  Oops.  I admit, I have damaged myself to avoid going into one of these states because I tend to do worse things to myself while not completely coherent.  See, it is bad that I don't get to see my doctor over the summer.  Instead I get to live with parents who regret not drowning me as a baby and find me completely unbearable.  Hmmm... do they really help my mindset?

I recognize that I have potential but I do not want to realize it if I will forever be tied to these people.  I also wish I could escape my past; I hate some of what I have done.  But, if wishes were leaves, we'd all be knee deep in compost.  And, that is exactly what I am trying to avoid.  Playing in the mud with friends is all well and good but when family and unfulfilled wishes pull you down into it...

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